ARISTOPHANES

                               LYSISTRATA

Translated by George Theodoridis ã2001 All Rights Reserved

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                                                Contents

Some Notes to the Director 4

The Characters. 11

ACT ONE. 12

ACT TWO.. 47

Some Notes to the Director

A director should be encouraged to give his imagination freedom rather than to restrict or contain it. These notes, therefore aim to help in the process of the former.

ON THE CHORUS: My view has always been that a translator of words - particularly in ancient works -should only translate words. He may need to, at times, add to these words, what I call, “cultural bridges,” the purpose of which would be to help lift the original meaning of the author’s words, out to the modern audience, through all the cultural patinae deposited upon them by the passing centuries. But he should concentrate upon words. Where there is no adequate evidence of any other elements associated with those words, say music or dance, then translators would do too great a disservice to the author and – more importantly to the audience- if they attempted to engage in musical or choreographic extrapolations. I have seen many such attempts and, at best they left me unimpressed and at worst, highly agitated. These efforts seem to me to be too contrived, and a hybrid of sorts in their result -something between a poem (because it scans and has rhythm and rhyme) and a convoluted piece of dialogue (because it has the name of a character at its beginning). Such efforts also have the persistent inclination to stultify the rhythm of the whole play.

We know that there was singing and riotous dancing throughout the play but what sort of music and what sort of dance still remains a mystery. This is a fact we have to face without equivocation. Having done so, we must move on by making the best of what we do have and on my part, I have translated all that it is possible to translate: the words. Of course, Directors might do as they please about these two concerns; but from the translator they should expect no more than that: Aristophanes’ words.

Also, modern Directors will need to decide how to make their choice in the dilemma of conventions: Should the play be staged within the conventions to which Aristophanes had to adhere, or should it be a vehicle for breaking new -but valid ground? Should they choose the latter then they must beware the temptation to “modernise” or to “contemporise.” To do this with Lysistrata they would have to start “jiggling” the author’s words, which is a precarious job and one of very dubious value. Relocating the play, for example to, say the Australian Bush, or the Texas ranch, or the banks of the Seine, or the Oxford cafeteria will not add one iota to the play. On the contrary it could well destroy it and to help the Director avert that temptation, I have added what were explanatory footnotes into the dialogue. Allusions to historical events and people which were readily accessible to the Athenians of the 5th century but not to us, have been explained within the character’s lines, so that the audience need not know anything about those allusions to enjoy this playwright’s message and the humour. That is where I placed most of my efforts: not only to make sure that students of the Ancient Greek language will be helped if they worked with my translation, but also the audience would find the play as readily accessible and enjoyable as those sitting at the Theatre at (probably) the Lenea Festival. I am hoping that the Director and Actor would find it equally as easy to understand, if not to stage or to perform.

No music and no dance also means no chorus - for that is the primary function of a chorus: to sing and to dance. In my translation the Director will notice that I have fused the chorus into the main trunk of the play through the means of the dialogue. I have re-allocated its verses to its various members and it is they who utter them, as individual characters in a normal, non-choral work. Aristophanes’ chorus consisted of two groups of people: Twelve males, who are there to support the male protagonist, in my mind, Cinesias (with, perhaps a secondary role to the Magistrate) and twelve women, who are there to support the female protagonist, in my mind Lysistrata. These two groups represent the common folk of Athens and whilst they are engaged in an agon - a combat of truths- for most of the play, by its conclusion they come to unite. Directors who wish to remain within the framework of the original work, need only to take a quick look at some other translation to see where these verses fall and to do the appropriate reversals, though they would find that many lines are not very easy to allocate with any certainty. However I will allow, in fact, I will encourage at least one exception from that rule of no song and no dance and that is with the Finale which, I suggest, could be turned into a riotous, explosive affair, complete with an orgiastic, Bacchic, Maenadic even, climax. For that, the Director would need the assistance of a good music specialist as well as a dance specialist. Alas, since I profess to be neither I can offer no assistance in these fields except to say that these specialists should not be dogmatic about their views or engage too much in the pursuit of detail. Because nothing snuffs the creative spirit more fatally than a closed mind, or an unending pursuit. The other two places where these specialists might be engaged are at the end of scenes 5 and 9. For these pieces, too, I have only supplied the words and have left it to the Director’s discretion whether or not to turn these words into songs and dances.

ON THE COSTUMES: Specialists might also be asked to contribute to the discussion regarding costumes. Again, the Director must not succumb to dogmatism and a psychotic pursuit of detail. There is, of course the similar need to also stay clear of modernisms which would, say relocate the play elsewhere, either with costume, or with recognisable sites or music. So, no need to go overboard with costumes. The play, however, insists that the phallus is a conspicuous part of the male costume and Directors are quite able to give their imagination quite a bit of freedom in respect of this appendage. It was made of leather and painted red and it seems to be of a theatrically manageable size, though Cinesias comments on the Spartan Herald’s phallus sticking out from under his armpit, and his testicles being swollen, in scene 6. Thus, it may well be made to reach, say, up to the Herald’s chest. However, the wise Director would still use a great deal of discretion with this item, so as to avoid the possibility of it overwhelming the play and of subverting all of the playwright’s other concerns. Extant drawings on terra cotta items and elsewhere give us little to go by: actors wore masks and for a period (Old Comedy only) these were sometimes recognisable caricatures of living people, mainly crooked politicians. Actors in a comedy also wore padded tights stuffed variously so as to exaggerate bodily protrusions such as the stomach, the bum, shoulders, thighs, testicles, breasts, etc. With this play, the main women, Lysistrata, Myrrhini, Caloniki, Lampito, Ismenia and the Corinthian whore, make their costumes evident by their own words and the Director and designer could take many clues from them. The length of the tunics for both, males and females, is also important and a good set of clues are given in the Intermezzo: Short enough for the actors to display the usually hidden bodily parts when they lift a leg to throw a kick at each other.

ON THE LOOSE LANGUAGE: One of the main reasons for undertaking to produce yet another translation of Lysistrata is the type of translation which is available in the stores even these days. There are no translations that I know of which give the true rendering of Aristophanes’ language. We often see allusions to something “unusual” or “unutterable in polite company” but never the actual utterance which Aristophanes’ audience would have heard. One can be bogged down in doubles entendres and linguistic aerobatics and concoctions which often become dated, pointless and meaningless. One would do a great service to the audience if one avoided falling into that bottomless and unnecessary pit. “Reconciliation in Lysistrata has been achieved thank to that precise language and that precise thinking and for modern translators to start tampering with it would cause the possible collapse of the whole play. Aristophanes had very valid reasons for using the language he did and I won’t go into them here for fear of making this too navigatory an essay. But it is this very language that portrays most authentically the playwright’s times and people. When Plato was asked in Syracuse what the Athenian people were like, he suggested that a reading of Aristophanes’ work would answer that question. To bowdlerise his language, therefore, to make it more timid or to placate the advocates of “political correctness” (which is a euphemism for “pseudo-correctness”) would make it impossible for a modern Plato to respond in the same way. It would also render the whole purpose of the play invalid. Lysistrata wins her war exactly because of that free attitude to the use of precise language and thought. The play is funny because of it. It is also serious because of that language. Aristophanes’ language should not to be confused with the language of modern productions -films mainly - the vocabulary of which consists almost entirely of similar words and phrases but which are there only because of the writer’s lack of linguistic skill. Nor is this unnecessary or unsolicited vulgarity because words had not yet been injected with ethics. So, yes, Directors could “adjust” the translation to suit the wishes of their financial backers and marketers but they should also know that the “adjustment” will take much from the point and from the enjoyment of the play.

ON THE SET AND THE FLOOR: Two things are important to note in respect of the floor: the set and the entrances. The set must be dominated by a wall with a (perhaps double) gate. It is the entrance to the Acropolis a place which began life as a virulent exhibition of the creative skills of the Athenians as well as of their pious devotion to the Goddess Athena, but which had been defiled with a treasury and with the affairs of corrupt politicians. It should loom as highly on the stage of Lysistrata as Victor Hugo’s “Notre Dame” in his novel by that name. In Lysistrata Aristophanes wants to reclaim that sacred ground, cleanse it from defilement in the same that Sophocles’ Thebes has to be cleansed from Oedipus’ sin. So that wall, which, incidentally stood behind his audience in the actual theatre, should stand dominant and Directors should do their best to display its significance to the characters who mill about beneath it. It may well need to be at least slightly raised above the rest of the stage - not so much to simulate the original orchestra but more to show its importance and the importance of those who seize it and enter it. The whole agon, the combat, of the play is about who holds the keys to these gates. The gates should also be constructed so as to be able to make a fairly loud slam when this is called for. I’ve allocated Stage Left to the males and to Lysistrata’s women and Stage Right to everyone else, including the Spartans. The space immediately inside these entrances and exits I’ve called “territory,” the one on the left that of the male group and on the right of the female group.

G.T. 2001

ACT ONE      

Scene 1

(Dawn breaking. A public place in Athens, at the foot of the Acropolis, the entrance of which is a large gate at the centre of the stage. Gate and Parthenon are prominent. This is where the whole play takes place. The walls on the inside and on either side of the gate have parapets where actors will appear at various times. Sounds of owls from behind the walls. Lysistrata is pacing back and forth angrily.)

Lysistrata: (To herself)

Tits and clits... Tits and clits... Tits and clits!

(To the audience, angrily.)

Had the invitation been for one of those orgiastic parties that Little Dick or High Dick or Low Clit held you wouldn’t be able to get through all the bum- and drum- beaters clogging the streets. But for this, no! Oh, no! Not a bloody woman in sight!

(More sounds of owls the final ones of which fade out. Pause.)

 Not one!

(Sees Caloniki)

Ah, except for my neighbour! Thank goodness... Hi, Caloniki!

Caloniki: Hi to you too, Lysistrata! Oh, but look at you, darling! Such frowns, such arrows for eyebrows! Not good for you babe. They’re so horribly ugly!

Lysistrata: I’m fuming, Caloniki! I’m boiling inside. Damned women! Why on earth do men think we’re smart and cunning and capable of anything and everything?

Caloniki: Because we are, darling, we definitely are!

Lysistrata: But you call them to a meeting, to a proper meeting, to discuss something of some importance - none of that obscene and trivial stuff they’re always on about - and where are they? Deaf and asleep!

Caloniki: But they have heard you, darling. They have. It’s just that... you know how it is. A woman’s exit from her abode is very, very difficult! One of them has to go down on her husband, another to raise her slave, yet another to put the baby to sleep, another still has to wash it, feed it, clean its poop...

20 Lysistrata: There are far more important things to worry about than all that stuff!

Caloniki: Well? What is it, darling? What is this thing that’s so important, you had to bring together every woman in Greece? Is it such a big thing?

Lysistrata: Huge.

Caloniki: Oh! And thick?

Lysistrata: My God, is it thick!

Caloniki:(Excited at a false prospect)

Well then, where on earth are they all?

25 Lysistrata: (Realises Caloniki is on the wrong prospect)

No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking of, my dear. If it had been that, we’d all be well and truly here by now. No, it’s something else. Something that’s bothered me for a long time now. Believe me, I’ve lost a great deal of sleep, tossing over this one.

Caloniki: Ah, so, it’s a very delicate little thingy, then, this thing you’ve been tossing over?

Lysistrata: I’ll tell you how delicate a thing it is, Caloniki! I’ve discovered that the salvation of the whole of Greece depends upon us, upon our tits and clits! That’s how delicate a thing it is! Tits and clits! That’s what it’s all about!

Caloniki: Upon our tits and clits? A delicate little thingy indeed! What a precarious balancing act!

Lysistrata: All these awful goings on in our city, Caloniki! Just think! We’ll be rid of them all! All of them... Spartans, the lot!

Caloniki: Oh, yes, of course! Out with the Spartan bastards!

35 Lysistrata: And with all the Boetians, too.

Caloniki: Ah, the Boetians! Well, the Boetians themselves, yes; their delicious eels, though, Lysistrata, absolutely no!

Lysistrata: As for Athens, my tongue won’t utter a thing but you get my meaning... If all the women would gather here, Caloniki, from Boetia, from Sparta, all of them, believe me - all of us, together, we

can save Greece!

Caloniki: Us? But my dear, what have we women ever done that’s intelligent or even useful? We all just sit around on our bums all day looking pretty, be-flowered and plastered with make-up, naked under our see-through saffron gowns and wearing our cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers!

Lysistrata: Exactly! That’s exactly the stuff by which I’m planning to save Greece, darling! With the scents and the make-up and the flowers and those cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers and the dainty little see-through gowns!

45 Caloniki: What? What on earth could you achieve with that stuff?

Lysistrata: Peace, my dear! Peace among men! No longer will a man thrust his spear against another man!

Caloniki: Is that right? Well then, if that’s the case I’m off to powder myself right now...

Lysistrata: Nor will he raise a shield in front of him...

Caloniki: Mmm... and to put on my see-through...

Lysistrata: Nor will he ever carry a sword...

Caloniki: Ohhhh! And my cute little “fuck-me-please” slippers...

Lysistrata: So! Shouldn’t all these women have been here by now?

55 Caloniki: Definitely. They should all have flown right over.

Lysistrata: Yea, well, what do you expect? Damned Athenian women! Always late! Late for everything. Damn it!... Not even those from the shore!

Caloniki: Yet I do know that they have hopped off their cunts early this morning and they’re on their way, they’re... coming right now, I’m sure!

Lysistrata: Grrr! Not even those I thought showed some real interest in this! They’re not here yet, either... God, not even the Acharnians!

Caloniki: But, darling, even Theagenes’ wife is coming. I saw the superstitious twit visiting Hecate’s temple before setting off... Aha! Here they all are! I told you! They’re coming, Lysistrata, all of them! (Pinches her nose)

Phew! Where on earth are they all from?

Lysistrata: Stinky Antistirred!

Caloniki: Phew! Well, then, let’s not stir them up any more than we have to, shall we? Pooooh!

(Enter Myrrhini. She’s wearing a beautiful gown with which she is very happy and with which is often preoccupied by displaying admiringly at every occasion; so much so that her words in line 114 have some effect.)

69 Myrrhini: We’re not too late, are we Lysistrata? Well,

what’s up, darling? Speak up, then.

Lysistrata: Everyone’s heard exactly what it’s all about, Myrrhini! I’m not impressed with you, at all!

Myrrhini: But it took me ages to find my knickers in the dark, Lysistrata: Anyway, what’s up? What’s going on? Tell us, now that we’re all here.

75 Lysistrata: No, not yet. Let’s wait a little longer for the Boetian and Spartan women to arrive.

Myrrhini: True... (she looks around impatiently until...) ah, here’s Lampito!

Lysistrata: (Rushes over to Lampito and, impressed by her body, begins to fondle her body excitedly, lasciviously)

Hello Lampito! Oh! Oh, my darling Spartan! How positively fructiferous is your beauty. What colour what a vigorous, what a horny body! Darling, I think you could strangle a bull with it!

Lampito: Yeah, I think I could, too. I exercise regularly. I mean very regularly and I go through every bit of me, every bit of me - including my bumhole!

Lysistrata: Mmm! Your titties, too!

Lampito: Hey! Why are you groping me like that, like some sacrificial cow?

(Lysistrata stops the groping and turns her attention to the new woman on the stage)

Lysistrata: Ah! And this one? Who is this young beauty, then?

Lampito: That’s the delegate sent to you from Boetia. By the name of Ismenia.

Lysistrata: (Prodding similarly)

Boetia, yes!

(Points at her pudendum)

Boetia of the beautiful meadows! How lovely your meadow looks!

Caloniki: Yea, with elegant little itchy-bitchy curly whirly penny royals growing so neatly and tightly all around!

(Enter Corinthian whore.)

Lysistrata: And this other child?

90 Lampito: Ah, yes! Now, that there, that’s pure Corinthian whoremeat, that one! The real stuff!

Lysistrata: Mmmm, yes, pure, indeed! Both front and back!

Lampito: So, then! Who’s gathered this fleet of flesh here?

Lysistrata: I did.

Lampito: Aha? Why? Name your passion, girl!

Myrrhini: Yes, darling, tell us what’s so important.

Lysistrata: I will, I will, but first: let me ask you all one question.

Myrrhini: Ask away.

100 Lysistrata: Tell me, please, all of you: Do you not miss your husband’s pricks? Your sons’ father? I mean while he’s away at war? I know very well that all of you have your husband away at the moment. Not one of them is here with you. Isn’t that so?

Caloniki: Mine, in fact, the poor bastard, has been in Thrace for the last five months. Guarding that idiot of a general, Eucrates.

Myrrhini: And mine, seven months at Pylos.

Lampito: And if mine ever manages to steal away for a quickie, they rush over, nab him by the handle and quickly whisk him away back to the front!

Lysistrata: And so, girls, when fucking time comes...not the faintest whiff of it anywhere, right? From the time those Milesians betrayed us, we can’t even find our eight-fingered leather dildos. At least they’d serve as a sort of flesh-replacement for our poor cunts....So, then! Would you like me to find some mechanism by which we could end this war?

Myrrhini: If this were truly possible, Lysistrata, darling, I’d start the celebratory drinks right now. Even if it meant I’d have to sell this gown to buy the wine.

115 Caloniki:Me too! Even if... even if I’m torn in two like a fish on the grill and have half of me thrown away!

Lampito: And me... I’d climb all the way up to the tip of Taygetus to be able to see our beloved Peace.

Lysistrata: Well, in that case, I’ll tell you now what I’ve discovered because I don’t think I can hide it any longer. Now! If we women really want our men to make peace, then we must... abstain.

Myrrhini: Huh? From what? Please explain.

Lysistrata:(Reluctant to reveal this yet)

Ummmm... From something... Will you do it?

Myrrhini: Sure! Even if it means our death, but what do we have to do?

124 Lysistrata: We will go on strike! We shall all abstain from cocks!

(Triumphant)

No more cock!

(Distressed as she sees that the others don’t agree. Corinthian whore begins to cry -it’s her living!)

Hey, what’s up? Where are you off to? What’s with the frowns and sad looks? How pale you all suddenly look! What’s with the tears? Will you do as we said? Tell me! What’s your decision?

Myrrhini: Me? I can’t do it, Lysistrata. Not me. I... Let the war drag on.

Caloniki: Yea, me too, Lysistrata. Let the war

continue.

Lysistrata: You, Caloniki! You were just talking about being a fish cut in two, half of it tossed away!

130 Caloniki: Anything else, Lysistrata. We’ll do anything else you want us to do but... well, better in the fire than out of the bed. Better with the fire than without the cock! That can never do, darling!

Lysistrata: And you, Lampito? What do you say?

Lampito:       Better in the fire than out of the bed.

138 Lysistrata: What a lot of bum-torn sluts each and every single one of our sex is! The tragedians are right about us then! Screwing above all else! No regard for the consequences!

(Turns to Lampito, imploring her.)

But you, my darling Spartiate, you and I, Lampito, just the two of us could still save the matter. Vote with me!

Lampito: (Thinks deeply, paces back and forth, agonises over the question.)

It’s true, damn it. It’s a harsh and difficult thing for a woman to go to sleep, alone. Without a prick, I mean. Yet... yet... yet, we must! We must have peace!

145 Lysistrata: (Exuberant) Oh, true Spartan! You’re the only real woman here!

Caloniki: But if we did go on strike, if - God forbid! - we did as you said... will this really give us Peace?

Lysistrata: Absolutely! Look! We simply stay indoors,

put our luscious make-up on, naked beneath our flimsy little blouses, our curlies thoroughly coiffured and plucked and we just sit and wait for our man. Soldier-hubbie comes in, sees us and immediately stands at attention! Solid, stiff and horny. He’s torn with lust. But we move back! We simply don’t go to bed with them. I can assure you, darlings, Peace will be signed before you can say,

“come again?”

155 Lampito: Just like Menelaos and Helen. Helen flashes her tits at him once and our boy throws his sword away for ever! Ha, ha, ha! He was going to kill her a second before that - for what she’d done to

Greece!

Caloniki: But what if the men go on strike, too and we get horny instead?

Lysistrata: Well, then darlings, we are all well acquainted with Pherecrates, for goodness’ sake, aren’t we? We do as he did: beat the beaten bitch, in other words, wank!

Caloniki: Nah! Mimicking others is crap... What if they drag us into the bedroom?

Lysistrata: Take a tight grip of your flaps, darling!

Caloniki: What if they beat us then?

Lysistrata: Well... all right, we give in then but we make it hard for them, dears, cross our legs or something, because it’s no fun for them if they have to work hard for it. They’ll quickly give up. A man just won’t enjoy himself if the woman won’t help in the process.

Myrrhini: Right! Well, then. If you two agree, then we agree also. We are with you Lysistrata!

168 Lampito: Yes! All right then. But we, Spartan women, we will be able to persuade our husbands to bring about a good and honourable peace straight away; but what about all these war-mongering Athenian pricks? Who’ll straighten them out?

Lysistrata: Don’t you worry about them, Lampito, darling, we’ll see to them!

Lampito: Not very likely. Not while they’ve got all those ships in the sea and all that loot locked up in there.

(Points at the Acropolis)

Inside the temple of Athena!

175 Lysistrata: Nah! We’ve thought of that, too, Lampito. No problem. Today, we’ll take over the Acropolis! While we’re all here getting all this prick-protest organised, the older women will be going up there under the pretence of conducting rituals and sacrifices and, as soon as they get in there, they seize the place!

(A Scythian policewoman, armed to the teeth is walking by. She sees the group in a tightly knit gathering and stops to examine them suspiciously.)

180 Lampito: Oh, ho! Great! Very well thought-out,

Lysistrata! Well done!

Lysistrata: Thank you, Lampito. Right, now quickly, let’s take a good, strong, inexorable, no-loopholes oath!

Lampito: Give us the words and deeds and we’ll do it!

Lysistrata: Good, now...

(Sees the Skythian policewoman)

Hey, you, cop woman! What are you leering at? Bring me that shield of yours here.

(The policewoman obeys dumbly)

Right here! Now turn it upside down.

(The policewoman obeys again)

Now, someone bring me some entrails!

(The policewoman likes this and from now on becomes one with the group)

186 Caloniki: Entrails? Entrails, Lysistrata? What sort of an oath do you want us to take, for goodness’ sake?

Lysistrata: What sort? The sort you perform upon a shield, like the one Aischylus mentions somewhere you know... where the soldiers kill a sheep and...

Caloniki: (Interrupts)

Lysistrata! We can’t swear an oath for Peace by spilling blood on a shield!

Lysistrata: Well? What sort of an oath do you all want, then?

Caloniki: I know! Let’s, instead, grab a white horse from somewhere, kill it and get its sacred little bits! The horsey’s I mean. How’s that?

Lysistrata:

(She’s shocked)... What white horse?

Caloniki: Well what do we swear upon then?

Myrrhini: I’ll tell you what I think, if you like: Let’s sacrifice a wine jug, instead. Get a huge black cup, put it on the ground here, then get a jug of that lovely wine from Thasos, break it open and swear to the cup that... that we won’t pollute it by adding water to it!

Lampito: Yes! Now that’s what I call an impressive

oath!

Lysistrata: So, let’s bring the bowl and the wine skin

then!

(The Skythian woman runs off enthusiastically and a moment later -if not sooner! - returns with the bowl and wine jug. Lysistrata, impressed at the Skythian’s speed, efficiency and willingness to join her rebellious group, smiles at her, takes the jug and lifts it in the air. Caloniki lifts the bowl admiringly.)

(200) Caloniki: Ooooh! My darlings, look! What a lovely bowl! One gets horny just by touching it!

Lysistrata: Caloniki! Now place the bowl down and all of you hold my jug!

(They all obey)

Goddess Persuasion, and you, too, bowl, accept this, our offering with grace.

(She pours the wine into the bowl.)

205 Caloniki:What sparkling blood! And how well it decants!

Lampito: And how sweet its aroma!

Myrrhini: Let me be the first to take the oath!

Caloniki: (Jealous)

No! Not unless we draw a lot and your name is drawn first!

Lysistrata: Lampito, and the rest of you, too. All together: Repeat after me: There’s no prick, lover’s or husband’s...

Together: There’s no prick, lover’s or husband’s...

Lysistrata: That will approach me erect...

Together: That will approach me erect...

Caloniki: (Hesitates)...

Lysistrata: Caloniki, speak!

Caloniki: Damn it, Lysistrata, my knees are wobbly! That will approach me erect...

Lysistrata: Shut in at home, I’ll live prick-less and chaste...

Together: Shut in at home, I’ll live prick-less and chaste...

Lysistrata: And I’ll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made...

220 Together: And I’ll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made...

Lysistrata: So as to set afire my man’s desire...

Together: So as to set afire my man’s desire...

Lysistrata: And let him not fuck me with my consent...

Together: And let him not fuck me with my consent...

Lysistrata: If, however, the prick forces itself upon me...

Together: If, however, the prick forces itself upon me...

Lysistrata: I will not reach orgasm... at the same time as it does...

Together: I will not reach orgasm... at the same time as it does...

Lysistrata: I will not have my slippers raised to the ceiling...

230 Together: I will not have my slippers raised to the ceiling...

Lysistrata: Nor will I, like a whore, take up for him the position of the lioness-on-a-cheese-grater...

Together: Nor will I, like a whore, take up for him the position of the lioness-on-a-cheese-grater...

Lysistrata: And so, to bind all this together, we hereby drink this wine...

Together: And so, to bind all this together, we hereby drink this wine...

Lysistrata: And if I break this solemn oath may the wine I drink turn to water...

Together: And if I break this solemn oath may the wine I drink turn to water...

Lysistrata: Have you all sworn with me?

Together: We sure have!

Lysistrata: Now bring me the cup that I may sanctify it.

Caloniki: Give me some too, so that the oath will bind us all well.

(Shouting and commotion behind the walls.)

Lampito: What’s all the noise?

240 Lysistrata: Aha! Just like I said. Our older women have seized the Acropolis. Quickly now, Lampito, you head off towards accomplishing your end of the bargain. Go to Sparta, quickly... but leave these friends of yours here with us, as goodwill. The rest of us will go over to the Acropolis and toss the bars over the gates.

Caloniki: But don’t you think the men will band together and rush us?

Lysistrata: I’m not worried about that one little bit,

Caloniki. Even if they threaten us with fire and even if they manage to open the gates, so what? We’ll do as we’ve just sworn, right?

Caloniki: Right! Of course. Yes! Otherwise we’ll remain forever as we always were: cowards and whores to them all!

(Exit all into the Acropolis.)

Scene 2

(A group of twelve men walks in from Stage Left. Stage Left will henceforth be “their territory.” It is where they will be retreating to when business asks for a retreat. Drakis, its leader, is negotiating his grip on a long branch on his shoulders and a fire-making pot of sorts that makes much smoke. Their phalluses betray their advanced age and their state of exhaustion: Though they are long, they are declined. Between them all the men are carrying wood of some sort or other, branches, kindling, etc. as well as crow bars, ramming rods and such like implements that may be useful for breaking and entering. Some of these might well be quite odd and enigmatic in their appearance and the Director must not forget the usefulness of such items in comic stage business. Drakis is walking just a little ahead of the others and, like the others, is irritated by the coughing fits brought about by the smoke.)

250 Drakis:(Talking to himself.)

Go on, my poor boy! Go on Drakis! Even if your shoulder is breaking under the strain of this huge, damp olive log! Go on, my boy! Cough, cough!

Philourgos: Long life brings you so many surprises, hey? Things, my good Strynidoros, which I have never hoped to see or hear. Women! Women, whom we husbanded, whom we nourished and maintained and who have caused us so much fuss -

Strynidoros: ..so much fuss!

Philourgos: Now they’ve gone and seized the Acropolis. Stolen the sacred statue of our protectress, Athena and they’ve driven bars and padlocks into her gates!

266 Strynidoros: Let’s move as fast as we can, Philourgos. Come on, let’s place these branches all around...

Philourgos: Let’s teach them a lesson...

Drakis: Let’s light a high flame...

Philourgos: Fry the lot of ‘em...

Phadrias: First, among them all, Lycos’ wife, Rhodia! Haha! A bastard of a politician deserves a... slut of a wife!

Philourgos: (Sarcastically) ... a slut of a wife! Cough, cough! A faithful slut! Hahaha!

Strynidoros: By Demeter, no one will dare laugh at us while we’re alive..

Drakis:        (Stops, turns and talks to the others, laughing)

Remember old Cleomenes, boys?

Strynidoros: Ah, yes, Drakis! That’s right! He tried this once, too!

Philourgos: Even he didn’t escape unpunished.

275 Drakis: Shat himself and had to surrender his arms to me!

Phadrias: True Spartan, though. Ran off without a shirt on his back. Unwashed for six years, unshaven...

Strynidoros: Stank to high Heaven, hey Phadrias? Hahaha! Cough, cough!

Drakis: Hehehehe! This is how we surrounded the city, men!

Phadrias: But he was besieged by seventeen men, Drakis.

Philourgos: They spent the whole night at the gates.

Drakis:        (Pointing at the Acropolis)

So that these here god-hated women...

Phadrias: Hated by God and by Eurypides, by God!

Drakis: (With contempt)

Bah! These women are nothing to us, hey men? Cough, cough! Nothing!

285 Philourgos: Our Victory will shine throughout Athens, our four-headed city!

Drakis:(Takes up his equipment again. He’s visibly struggling)

Just a little way left now and we’re there!

Phadrias: And we’re doing all this without even a donkey, hey, Strynidoros? On our own bare backs!

Strynidoros: Ouch! Damned logs! Two of them have gone and lodged themselves right into my bones... ah, well, what can one do, Phadrias? (Adjusts himself)

Phadrias: We must go on, go on, go on! Walk up the hill, walk up the hill, walk on, walk on, walk on...

Drakis:...and blow hard at the fire

(He blows into the fire pot. The smoke proliferates.)

Phoo, phoo!

295 Philourgos: What smoke! By mighty Hercules, what sooty dread!

Drakis: What... ouch! Arghhhhhh! What horror - cough, cough - was it that jumped out of there and, like a bitch-on-heat tore at my eyeballs?

Philourgos: Like the Volcano of Lemnos, hey, Drakis? This machine smokes and smokes... cough, cough!

Drakis:...and scorched and filled my eyes with gunk.

Phadrias: You men go on ahead of me to the city! Run to the aid of Athena! Phoo, phoo! What smoke, what horror!

306 Philourgos: (They’ve now reached Stage Right.)

It’Heaven’s will whether the fire burns or not. Let’s leave the wood here and light up new, leafless vines.

Phadrias: Then, all of us together, we’ll charge at the gates, hey?

Drakis: And if the women won’t pull back the bolts, then, we’ll set them all on fire!

Phadrias: Phoo, phoo, cough, cough! There! I think now we’re winning!

Strynidoros: Put down the wood. Cough, splatter, choke... The smoke will kill us!

Drakis: Ah, for a Samian general to take this wood from my hands!

Phadrias: There, I’m putting mine down here. They’ve bust my balls.

Drakis: (Talking to the pot) It’s up to you now, potsy. Light this coal and start the fire! Go on!

Phadrias: (Raises his hands in prayer)

Help us Glorious Victory, come, stand beside us and drive your triumph right up into those cocky women!

(They leave the pot down and retreat quietly to their territory, occupying themselves with various preparations. They do not notice the women when they enter the stage later. A small pause before we hear the shouting of women off stage. When they appear from the opposite side we see that it’s a group, similar in number, age and disposition as the old men. They will form the second warring party and Stage Right will be “their territory.” Their leader is Stratyllis. They are carrying buckets, urns, jugs and pitchers of all sorts, filled with water. They’ve noticed the smoke, are walking through it but they’ve not seen the men yet.)